Chronic Insomnia

Well, just as the physical fatigue left, insomnia stretched out into its place.

(First of all, a tip: If someone complains of chronic insomnia, do not well-intentionedly ask them, "Well, have you tried melato--" Yes. Yes they have. That was the first thing they tried. And it didn't work, and neither did the next five things you're about to recommend even if your coworker's sister's friend's husband swears by it, and reminding them of this is only adding to their frustration. Sleeping pills can work temporarily, but they bring their own complications. Anyway, PTSD insomnia is not regular insomnia, so the same treatments might not help.)

The word "insomnia" has different associations for everyone because we've probably all experienced sleepless nights to varying degrees. But what might be merely annoying and inconvenient to an occasional sufferer can be crippling and dangerous to someone with chronic insomnia. It's completely debilitating. Life tuns into an attempt to make it through the week -- and this is just one symptom. Combined with other symptoms of CPTSD, it can be hell.

If you've never experienced severe sleep deprivation, let me try to explain what I experience when it's extreme: My senses seem dulled, or I might get sensory overload very easily. I start processing English word-by-word, as if it is my second language. My body starts twitching. I get very irritable and think unreasonably negative thoughts. (On the bright side: my math skills improve. Your results may vary.) Even when I'm this tired, I still might not be able to get much sleep.

I have long been aware of how much insomnia steals my life away. Often I hesitate to make plans far in advance because I have no idea if that's going to be a good or bad week for me in terms of sleep. When I do have plans, the choice for me is usually canceling them, missing out and letting people down, or attending like a zombie and not having or being much fun.

If stealing my life wasn't enough, lately it has become more apparent to me how much sleep deprivation changes my very personality. I'm not terribly social to begin with, so when I'm tired, my social energy is the first thing to go. Interacting with other people is too high up the hierarchy of needs when you're just trying to stay awake and remember your native language. So I don't even feel like myself anymore.

I'm so used to insomnia after having it be my "normal" for so many years that I didn't even realize what a big problem it was until it started interfering with my activities to the point that I could no longer participate in them at all. For many years, waking up tired, fighting to stay awake at work, and yawning my way through evening activities were just a given.

Some times are worse than others, but I recently had a couple of weeks that were so bad, I had to flake on all my commitments except for work. I decided sleep is my new hobby, since I demonstrably can't do anything else anyway, so I made a Sleep Action Plan with a strict diet, exercise, and sleep hygiene regimen. Hopefully it will help and I will develop some habits that will stick around until I don't have to make them my main focus anymore and can actually have my life back to some extent.