Work

Since I'm lucky enough to have some flexibility in my work schedule, I have purposely arranged to not begin work until late morning -- but I'm still late to work almost every day. This is a typical day for me: I wake up exhausted, lethargically get ready, and struggle to focus all day while pretending I feel better than I do and trying not to murder anyone or jump every time the phone rings. Then I come home and have to lie down.

Managing my health is a job in itself, but since I'm still able to hold down a job, I won't qualify for disability. People like me fall through the cracks because we're too high-functioning to get help but not functioning enough for gainful employment. Instead, I force myself to work thirty hours a week to keep my benefits (and some semblance of a sufficient income), because even when I haven't slept at all, I am somehow able to function satisfactorily enough to not get fired yet. I say "yet" because I'm rather overdue. I have been at my current job for almost three years, which is twice as long as I've lasted anywhere else. The flexible hours are a big part of why I've lasted so long, but it seems to just slow the inevitable -- I'm counting down the days until I burn out. But what scares me more than losing my job is the prospect of continuing to function just well enough to be a mediocre, miserable employee for years to come.

Thankfully my supervisor is very understanding, and even now I could theoretically work anywhere between twenty and forty hours, depending on my needs. But the needs are too many. How can I survive (financially) on twenty hours? And how can I survive (physically) on forty? So I compromise with just enough money to get by and just enough energy to keep going, which is not much of a solution.

My previous pattern was to move somewhere far away every year or so, which afforded me a little "vacation" of unemployment until I found another job that would eventually burn me out. I have no desire to return to that pattern, but I also have no desire to spend all my PTO on a health staycation as a last-ditch effort to keep my job, so I have to get better. I am going to a new holistic medical center in a couple of weeks, so hopefully they will be able to help me.

Emergency Preparedness

With all the disasters and violence the world keeps having, I keep hearing about emergency preparedness. But I have no use for that. I've been too busy surviving from day to day to make survival plans for some hypothetical situation. Besides, catastrophes provide opportunities for death, which would be a relief. And anyway, as much as it would probably compound my already complex PTSD if I survived it, a catastrophe sounds preferable to regular life.

When people talk fearfully about the big earthquake we're supposed to have, my main emotion is excited anticipation. What am I, some kind of sicko? And it's not like I really want that to happen. But if there's a natural disaster, violent actor, terrorist attack, etc., at least in that moment, I would just be in survival mode, and that's it. I wouldn't be in survival mode AND expected to show up for work and maintain relationships and try to act normal at the same time, which is thoroughly exhausting. My body wouldn't be trying to save me while my mind is trying to go about daily living.

It sounds so wonderfully simple to have my only goal be staying alive. (And in fact I have experienced this magical laser-sharp focus in a recent near-collision, feeling no fear in the moment because finally this was a situation I knew how to handle. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's staying alive. It's all the moments before the storm that are terrifyingly, unconvincingly calm.) If I really were in an emergency, then my body and reality would match again. And if I can't convince my body to match reality, the next best thing is for reality to match my body. Besides, being alive and committing suicide are both unpalatable to me, so death by accident would be a very convenient way to get out of both of those unpleasantries.

I know it probably wouldn't really be a good thing, but regardless, disaster preparedness is just not a priority. There is no future when it's all your mind can do to deal with the present and your body is stuck in the past.

Welcome to My World

Every time there's a natural disaster or mass shooting or other terrible tragedy, I feel almost desensitized to it. Not really desensitized; it's more that I'm hyper-aware of every single danger in everyday life, so when something really bad happens it doesn't shock me like it seems to do to other people -- it's exactly what I'm expecting every day. I'm more surprised when bad things don't happen, and I always feel like I've only barely escaped them and there's still tomorrow and there is no safety.

In fact, in times of tragedy, I feel a sense of relief or... like the universe is finally aligned to my experience of reality because now everyone else feels how I feel every day, notices what I notice every day, is sobered into awareness like I am all the time... every time the sun forces its blinding light into my eyes without my consent, every time the phone screams at me its sudden demands. Those everyday things put me on high alert already.

CPTSD can change sufferers' worldviews so that they expect hostility even when it makes no sense. Sometimes I find my mouth offering profuse apologies over trivial matters (things that don't require apologies, things that I'm not even responsible for, etc.) because I expect that I have to appease seemingly kind and reasonable people before they randomly and abruptly turn on me. I'm surprised when everyone I meet doesn't turn out to be a mass shooter.