With all the disasters and violence the world keeps having, I keep hearing about emergency preparedness. But I have no use for that. I've been too busy surviving from day to day to make survival plans for some hypothetical situation. Besides, catastrophes provide opportunities for death, which would be a relief. And anyway, as much as it would probably compound my already complex PTSD if I survived it, a catastrophe sounds preferable to regular life.
When people talk fearfully about the big earthquake we're supposed to have, my main emotion is excited anticipation. What am I, some kind of sicko? And it's not like I really want that to happen. But if there's a natural disaster, violent actor, terrorist attack, etc., at least in that moment, I would just be in survival mode, and that's it. I wouldn't be in survival mode AND expected to show up for work and maintain relationships and try to act normal at the same time, which is thoroughly exhausting. My body wouldn't be trying to save me while my mind is trying to go about daily living.
It sounds so wonderfully simple to have my only goal be staying alive. (And in fact I have experienced this magical laser-sharp focus in a recent near-collision, feeling no fear in the moment because finally this was a situation I knew how to handle. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's staying alive. It's all the moments before the storm that are terrifyingly, unconvincingly calm.) If I really were in an emergency, then my body and reality would match again. And if I can't convince my body to match reality, the next best thing is for reality to match my body. Besides, being alive and committing suicide are both unpalatable to me, so death by accident would be a very convenient way to get out of both of those unpleasantries.
I know it probably wouldn't really be a good thing, but regardless, disaster preparedness is just not a priority. There is no future when it's all your mind can do to deal with the present and your body is stuck in the past.
