Improvement!

I'm happy to report that I've been doing much better! During these past two years of chronic fatigue, it has not been uncommon for my energy levels to fluctuate somewhat. Occasionally I would even have a streak of two whole days when, for whatever reason, I felt normal... but then, for whatever reason, I would be back to exhausted again. I was always at the mercy of my health (or lack thereof) and it was always unpredictable. But about a month ago, the fatigue disappeared almost overnight and hasn't come back!

For such drastic change, an obvious explanation is surprisingly absent. Was the EMDR therapy successful? Is Vitamin D that powerful? Was it supernatural healing? Was it a combination of factors? The only thing I can put my finger on that seemed to shift something for me was reading Van der Kolk (of course) on what actually works to heal the effects of trauma (and what doesn't work). He explains that while the rational brain expresses itself in thoughts, the emotional brain expresses itself physically. So while you can rationally understand your feelings, you can't think your way out of them. No wonder I wasn't getting anywhere! I had done some research on neuroplasticity and was always trying to practice positive thinking in order to rewire my brain. And while I'm sure positive thinking beats negative thinking (in the way that a bandage helps more than reopening a wound), what Van der Kolk is saying is that telling yourself nice things isn't effective in the long term because even if your mind believes you, your body doesn't! You must first convince your body that you are safe. This can be achieved through EMDR, yoga, martial arts -- anything that helps one reinhabit and take control of their own body, ideally with healthy social support.

In the past when I've had energy, I would take on too much (which I now recognize as flight mode) and burn out, which I'm sure is why my body shut down. Even though I'm glad to have my life back, I have learned that my health is not something I was forced to focus on temporarily in order to get back to flight mode... it's something I need to continue to prioritize. So I'm glad I'm able to work thirty hours now, but I'm not going to push it to forty yet. I'm going to serve in church again, but monthly instead of weekly. Now that I have my energy back, I'm putting it towards establishing healthy habits like meditation and yoga instead of wearing myself out. My next area of focus will be sleep.

Now that I am better understanding my body and what it needs, I feel more in control of my health. If my symptoms flare up again, I will be more equipped to treat them instead of being debilitated. I'll probably not post as often anymore, but I plan to update this blog as long as I have things to say. Thanks for reading.

It's Not About Politics

...Okay, for some people it is. But when a politician doesn't even pass the smell test, I can't hold my nose long enough to evaluate his policies.

I'm really not into politics. I usually vote halfheartedly, shrug, and move on with my life, but this election left me grieving. I didn't want Clinton either, but I think if she won I would have been able to shrug and move on.

I'm not too worried about what Trump is going to do (and thankfully I have that luxury). I doubt he can oppress me more than chronic insomnia and fatigue already have. There will always be nutzos out there, some far worse than him. What's terrifying is the cultural climate that allowed our nation to actually honor one of these nutzos with the highest office in the land. It's the symbolism of this that scares me more than the reality. It's the messages this sends. Men have been told, Do whatever you want -- you can get away with it. Women and minorities have been told, You don't matter. The GOP has been told, You can offer poop on a stick and we will hold our noses and swallow it.

The reason "locker room talk" is so disturbing is that it's not just talk. When you have been a frequent victim of sexual harassment (if not assault) from puberty (if not earlier) until present day (as I, and I would guess most women, have been), those comments are not merely vulgar -- they threaten your daily existence. And such abuse was happening regularly before the election. Where is safety, now that this attitude has been normalized at the highest level? Is there no base level of decency?

Abuse is not about force (although it often involves force). Abuse is about control. It always requires an imbalance of power. Women as a whole have less power than men and are therefore vulnerable to abuse. And we have just given an enormous amount of power to a man who demonstrably abuses it. So many PTSD sufferers are actually triggered by Donald Trump becoming president, and this is why. (I am not one of them, but I understand it.)

Telling people to get over it and move on is asking the impossible and is maddeningly condescending. Isn't that what every survivor desperately wants to do: forget it and move on? How do you get over something that's still got you by the pussy? (Sorry, was that offensive? Didn't seem too offensive on election night.)

"It's All in Your Head"

I caught some horrible stomach bug, so for the last couple of days I've been alternating between sleeping and throwing up. It's possibly the worst case of nausea I've ever had, but it's still preferable to the daily challenges of CPTSD. People are so sympathetic to this sort of thing because they can relate to it... because it'll be all better in a few days... because it's not too uncomfortable to talk about. Sometimes I wish I had cancer so I could just die already instead of being half-alive. No one questions cancer.

Yes, it's in my head. That's the problem. Mental problems ARE physical. When did my brain stop being a part of my body?

And actually, it's not all in my head -- chronic stress affects the rest of the body, too. According to van der Kolk, "...attempts to maintain control over unbearable physiological reactions can result in a whole range of physical symptoms, including fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and other autoimmune diseases" (The Body Keeps the Score, p. 53). I think I'm going to end up quoting this entire book.

Depersonalization

"Traumatized people feel chronically unsafe in their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves" (p. 98-99).

"Research confirms what our patients tell us: that the self can be detached from the body and live a phantom existence on its own" (p. 102).

- Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

Last week I wrote about hyperarousal causing oversensitivity, but another symptom of CPTSD is quite the opposite: dissociation. It's common to yo-yo between the two states as shown below.

Dissociation is the symptom that I understand the least. One is in a dissociative state when they are disconnected from their environment, memory, time, senses, and/or emotions. When dissociation distorts identity, this is called depersonalization.

All symptoms fall on a continuum, and on the extreme end of depersonalization, sufferers feel that they are outside of their bodies and looking down on themselves from up above. (I have never had this experience and frankly it seems like a superpower. I don't understand how it would even be possible for someone like me... I'm terrible at spatial reasoning, so I would probably do it wrong and end up looking at a Picasso'd version of myself.)

For me, it's more accurate to say I felt trapped inside my body rather than floating outside it. It felt like my body was a robot that was programmed to live my life for me. This robot would go through the motions for me, while I was lost somewhere else or perhaps dead.

I remember looking in the mirror and seeing what appeared to be a person, marveling at what a convincing optical illusion it was. I picked up my own arm to feel its impossible weight -- just like the arm of a real person! I pored over it, amazed by the lifelike details of each freckle and vein. Whoever made this body was extremely dedicated to their delusion! I knew there was no person there. I knew I didn't exist. So I couldn't fathom how this reflection in the mirror could breathe on its own, because empty bodies can't do that. It was some crazy magic. People would talk to me and I would be surprised they could see me because I knew I wasn't really there. It would take about seven years after this symptom began before I would be certain of my own existence.

Another way depersonalization affected me was that I was detached from my own sensations and emotions. It was difficult for me to identify hunger, thirst, fatigue, or being too hot or cold, and it could take a full twenty-four hours to realize I was angry about something.

I've made a lot of progress over the years, but I sometimes forget that life is a story I'm in, not a movie I'm watching. I'll accidentally ignore people or neglect tasks, not because I forgot about them, but because I forgot me. And I still feel somewhat out of touch with my body and my own feelings. First I must become aware that I'm experiencing a feeling. Then I must identify what it is; for example, discomfort. Then I must discover the source of the discomfort: overheating. Even then, it may not occur to me that I have the ability to remedy the situation, such as using my arms (yes, they are really my arms) to remove my jacket. This whole process should be able to happen absent-mindedly, but for me it often requires intentional effort.