WWCPTSDD?

It seems like managing my symptoms has become my entire life. Everything I do, I run it by CPTSD first. What would CPTSD have me do in this situation? 

It might look like I'm just living life like everyone else. But every decision I make, I'm thinking about how it will affect my health. If I stay home from a party, it's because I'm too tired or depressed to be social. If I attend, it's because I know it would be good for me to be social. If I decline drinking alcohol, it's because I'm committed to rigid sleep hygiene rules, but if I have a drink, it's in hopes of reducing stress. 

Sometimes the things I do for health are fun, like dance class. But it has to kill two birds with one stone or it's not worth it. If something fun will be mainly detrimental to my health, that's not the kind of fun I can have. Junk food is usually out because nutrition is one area of my health I can actually (sort of) control. Things like travel, spontaneous plans, and loud parties can are often too stressful to be worth any benefits they offer.

Of course, this is somewhat true for everyone: We all make decisions based on what we think will be best for us. It would just be nice to get off the bottom rungs of the hierarchy of needs more than occasionally.

INTP vs CPTSD

I have often found myself wondering whether this or that behavior of mine was just my personality or a symptom of CPTSD. But it's both. CPTSD affects everyone differently. It brings out the worst in your natural characteristics. So if you are naturally shy, you might become overly withdrawn. If you are naturally aggressive, you might become controlling.

But then there are things about CPTSD that are so opposite from my personality. I'm not very emotional personality-wise, but then I have these crazy mood swings that I desperately try to reason myself out of.

I'm pretty low-maintenance according to my personality, but CPTSD is a terribly high-maintenance disorder. This has gotten me into trouble because I tend to, for example, move across the country or out of the country somewhat spontaneously, figuring it'll all work out. I don't mind uncertainty, but CPTSD does not like uncertainty at all. Or I'll work a long day and not take enough breaks. Bad idea with CPTSD. So I've had to become this really annoying person who needs to know what the plans are exactly, and I need to be back by nine so I can do my sleep routine so I can function tomorrow. It's like I'm two different people in one.

So I don't blame people when they can't handle being my friend anymore. I have friends with mental disorders that I limit contact with because I can't handle their symptoms for the sake of my own mental health, or simply because their symptoms make them not fun to be with. It sucks. But I get it.