Managing my health is a job in itself, but since I'm still able to hold down a job, I won't qualify for disability. People like me fall through the cracks because we're too high-functioning to get help but not functioning enough for gainful employment. Instead, I force myself to work thirty hours a week to keep my benefits (and some semblance of a sufficient income), because even when I haven't slept at all, I am somehow able to function satisfactorily enough to not get fired yet. I say "yet" because I'm rather overdue. I have been at my current job for almost three years, which is twice as long as I've lasted anywhere else. The flexible hours are a big part of why I've lasted so long, but it seems to just slow the inevitable -- I'm counting down the days until I burn out. But what scares me more than losing my job is the prospect of continuing to function just well enough to be a mediocre, miserable employee for years to come.Thankfully my supervisor is very understanding, and even now I could theoretically work anywhere between twenty and forty hours, depending on my needs. But the needs are too many. How can I survive (financially) on twenty hours? And how can I survive (physically) on forty? So I compromise with just enough money to get by and just enough energy to keep going, which is not much of a solution.
My previous pattern was to move somewhere far away every year or so, which afforded me a little "vacation" of unemployment until I found another job that would eventually burn me out. I have no desire to return to that pattern, but I also have no desire to spend all my PTO on a health staycation as a last-ditch effort to keep my job, so I have to get better. I am going to a new holistic medical center in a couple of weeks, so hopefully they will be able to help me.
