Hijacked

Over the weekend I experienced the worst flashback I've had in months.

I had arrived at a volunteer event in a cheerful mood, but I was soon accosted by five different triggers in quick succession. It was overpowering. The best way I can describe a flashback is that it feels like I'm being hijacked, like some idiot has taken over my body and I'm just along for the ride and don't know what's going to happen next.... but the hijacker is invisible so I don't understand what's going on; all I know is that I've inexplicably lost control of the aircraft and we're going down.

According to Pete Walker in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, CPTSD flashbacks differ from PTSD flashbacks in that they can be purely emotional, without any sensory phenomena. I was surprised to observe myself rapidly becoming unduly frustrated and irritable, to the extent that the surly comments that normally get filtered by the brain were instead fleeing out of my mouth. Not exactly how you want to present at a church Christmas volunteering event. At least no one got beaten with a roll of wrapping paper.

So why was my brain's filter missing in action? I read recently in The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel von der Kolk that during flashbacks, the right (intuitive) side of the brain is activated while the left (analytical) side of the brain is deactivated. That's why I don't realize I'm in a flashback while it's happening. I just felt like everyone was the enemy and I had to get out. My arms grabbed my coat and my mouth said I was done and my legs walked out... apparently I was leaving.

I sat outside, thinking, Well, here I am again, quarantined. How many times have I had to bail on life due to the grip of these symptoms? How many bridges have I burned because I've acted in ways I couldn't control? But this is my life, and participation in it now looks like playing brain games on my phone (to help reengage my left brain) and listening to guided meditation and doing breathing exercises. Luckily I'm unlikely to see those people again.

This experience taught me that I need to have a plan for dealing with triggers. It's impossible to anticipate every trigger, but just having an exit or timeout strategy before entering unpredictable situations could help maintain self-awareness to prevent losing control.