Food and Sleep

"...too tired to eat, too hungry to sleep..." - Nada Surf, "See These Bones"

In my quest for sleep, I have joined a gym and also started taking dance classes (in addition to weekly salsa practice), thinking that maybe I could induce sleep by wearing myself out. But so far the insomnia persists, and I am realizing more and more how much my sleep issues are tied to food issues. I knew I had some food issues, but I had convinced myself I just didn't like food (which is not entirely untrue... I've never been terribly interested in food).

Eating disorders have been linked to traumatic stress disorders. I have a new therapist now because my insurance changed, and she calls my eating behavior an eating disorder because "any time you use food to control, it's an eating disorder." I'm not sure about that, and sometimes it matters what we call it, but in this case I don't find the label helpful -- I just want to fix it. We started doing EMDR for food issues, so I'm making a point to be mindful of anything I notice around food.

One thing I've noticed for awhile now is that it's hard for me to identify when I'm hungry or full. Sometimes it's due to upset stomach (another symptom of CPTSD), which can make me feel like I have no appetite. As a result of being so out of communication with my body, I tend to make food choices based on what I think I 'should' do -- what's healthy, what's inexpensive, what's the 'right' time, what's the 'right' amount -- regardless of appetite. I also noticed that I'm constantly holding my stomach in, even while I'm eating. I'm sure that's not helping my stomach issues! One of my worst food habits is binge eating late at night. I almost always do this, and the insomnia is often worse if I don't.

In addition to physical issues, I noticed that I feel a lot of shame surrounding food. I didn't realize until I heard myself say it out loud that I feel embarrassed that my body requires fuel to function instead of just being able to run off willpower, and that eating three meals in one day seems like an absurdly luxurious indulgence. I also alternate between indifference and anxiety about hunger. I simultaneously feel like I must eat and I shouldn't eat, so I'll either eat way past full or else skip meals. I guess this is where the need to control comes in.

My therapist suggested doing breathing exercises from the belly to practice releasing my stomach, and she put me on a diet of intuitive eating: "eat whatever you feel like"! This is hard for me: First of all, I usually don't know what I feel like eating because I have convinced myself that I don't like food. Plus, now I have to acknowledge my needs and wants, which brings back the shame of having them. It's hard enough to admit that I need food, but wanting food is just gross to me, especially if it's something unhealthy. For me to admit wanting food, I usually have to make a joke about it.

I am learning to trust my body, though. My body tends not to crave unhealthy foods, but I often would force-feed myself unhealthy foods I didn't even want just because they were available, due to the panic about being hungry. And listening to my body is applicable to more than just hunger. Since I've been eating intuitively, it's been easier for me to rest or exercise when that feels like what I need in the moment. And if my body for some reason lies to me and tells me to eat an entire package of Oreos in one sitting, my brain still has veto power -- so there's no reason not to listen to my body.